Conquering Vertigo

As Seen On TV

Are my husbands collars starting to get dingy?
Are his hankerchiefs as white as they should be?
Am I using the right floor polish?

Welcome to the list of questions I thought I'd never ask.

So I'm home, innocently folding the laundry while listening to NPR.
My husband is downstairs cooking dinner.
All should be right with the world.

Suddenly, I notice the white of Richard's collar isn't as white as I remember.
My brow furrows.
I squint, then move towards the windows to catch the last light before sunset.

The questions and fears come, piling up one after the other.

• Are my husbands collars starting to get dingy?
• Didn't they used to be whiter than this?
• Are his hankerchiefs as white as they should be?
• I think this hankerchief used to be whiter.
• I chose, nay insisted upon, the Arm & Hammer laundry detergent we use.
• Did I choose the wrong laundry detergent?
• Am I using the right floor polish?
• Is my husband still satisfied with me?

As the life-giving odor of sauteeing garlic wafted upwards from the kitchen, the freshly laundered clothes slipped from my slackening grip.

When the hell did I start caring about dingy collars and floor polish?
When did I start tying it to marital satisfaction?

Me!
The woman who used to worry about men's souls is now worrying about their collars.
The woman who kayaked river rapids bravely is now quailing before a washing machine?

Who cares that these are the times that try men's souls, when I'm worried about their boxers?

I stalked downstairs and interrupted the Italian cooking.
"When did I start worrying about the laundry, and whether your collars were white enough?" I demanded, in mid-dudgeon.
"Not soon enough," he replied without missing a beat.

Coming soon, to a neck near you, as seen on TV, white collar crime!
Sponsored by Arm & Hammer, and 20-Mule-Team Borax.

posted by Woman In Love @ 6:58 PM